


sleep no more

by arrangements_of_shadows



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Not Beta Read, Post-Canon, References to Shakespeare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 17:27:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29861553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arrangements_of_shadows/pseuds/arrangements_of_shadows
Summary: after being cast as the lead in the henley hall production of macbeth, todd reflects on the past year without neil.
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry (past)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	sleep no more

**Author's Note:**

> i am so sorry.
> 
> !! small tw for suicidal thoughts

Isn't it strange how one can never know their happiness until it's gone?

Because Neil was the source of Todd's happiness, in a fragile human form.

The idea of beautiful, vibrant Neil never seeing the world again was still foreign to Todd.

He'd been dead less than a year. 

But it had been months. He'd never gotten to see the spring rains, the summer tranquility, the beauty of autumn leaves. Not with Todd.

And he'd never gotten to see his lover grow more confident with each passing day.

Maybe it was true development.  Maybe it was that Todd  simply no longer cared. Nobody loved him anymore. Nobody would ever love him like that again. What did it matter?

And so he found himself signing up to audition for the Henley Hall play.

And so he found himself being cast in the lead role.

And so here he was. On his bed at Welton. Trying a bit too hard not to look at the bare other half of the room. But if everything he did already reminded him of Neil, why should it matter?

He picked up the script.

The play was  Macbeth .  Universally considered unlucky by actors, it was only fitting. Todd's life had already become such a mess of irony and metaphor that he often wondered if it would ever stop. At this moment, it seemed unlikely. 

Turning to a random page, Todd began to read.

_"Methought I heard a voice cry 'Sleep no more!'_

_Macbeth does murder sleep', the innocent sleep_

_Sleep that knits up the ravell'd sleeve of care,_

_The death of each day's life, sore labour's bath,_

_Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,_

_Chief nourisher in life's feast,--"_

He let the book fall from his hands onto the green blanket. It was too painful to continue.

The guilt was overwhelming. Todd's ears were ringing. Nausea and dizziness overwhelmed him. Memories of that day in the snow flooded back.

Because he had killed Neil.

It was all his fault.

At some point in the next several days, Todd wandered down to the lake. He had lost track of time. What did it matter? Time was a human construct, invented to keep track of mundane things. Invented to keep track of how long Neil had been gone.

_Please, God. If you're up there._

Todd didn't believe in God.

_It should have been me._

Neil made this decision himself.

_I don't matter to anyone._

Todd had mattered to Neil.

_Neil deserved the world._

But  maybe the world hadn't deserved Neil.

_It's all my fault._

_Please forgive me._

Nobody else at Welton seemed to  be haunted by a spirit in a crown of thorns, a Messiah gone from the Earth too soon. Todd was the only follower of his religion, faith in nothing but the darkness of life without his lover.

Maybe Todd  really was Macbeth, killing everyone he loved for the sake of foolish dreams.

Maybe he should  just stop.

He could leave, too. In the night, in the snow.  Just as Neil had.

He could go  quietly .

But something in the back of his mind told him that doing so would disappoint Neil.

Fucking hypocrite. Sometimes Todd was so angry at Neil for leaving.

Yet he kept on living his life of fragile memories.

Time may not be real, but it still goes on. Months passed. Opening night was fast approaching.

Todd knew the lines. But the subtle disapproval of the director was still present. No matter how Todd tried, he couldn't put in enough emotion. He couldn't put in enough confidence. He was shrinking back into the shell of his former self, and he didn't have anyone to pull him out again.

No matter how Todd tried, he couldn't be Neil.

And at last, the play opened.

A sinking feeling filled Todd's chest as he stepped into the theater that evening.  Everyone was on edge, and though they didn't say why, Todd could tell that it was more than simple opening-night nerves .

It had been a year since Neil died.

The pre-show preparations passed  quickly . Todd could hear the people flooding into the auditorium.

All sense of anxiety or excitement,  however ,  was dulled by the hurt pounding into his skull like the ocean after a storm .

Yet Todd gave the best performance he could  possibly have dreamed of.

His hands were still shaking when the final curtain came down. A side effect,  probably , of the constant anxiety that had plagued him for seventeen years of his life. People were clapping him on the back and yelling their congratulations. All Todd could hear was the ringing in his ears.

He had done it.

Yet as that final curtain came down on that snowy December night, Todd felt different. As he removed his costume, he felt someone brush against his back. Strange- he was alone in the room, and the door hadn't opened. Todd looked up.

In the mirror, he thought he caught a glimpse of Neil's smiling face. It couldn't have been real. It was an illusion. There was no way. He blinked, and it was gone.

But something had shifted. Todd realized the impact of what he had done. Performed in front of a crowd- the timid boy he had been a year ago was  truly gone. It felt like a weight he hadn't realized he was carrying had lifted from his shoulders. 

And then Todd looked down and spotted something on the floor.

A little branch- a twig, really- with a pristine red berry still attached. Nobody else would have given it a second glance, but Todd was unable to tear his eyes away.

That little sliver of wood was completely inexplicable.

It couldn't have been anything but a sign from the universe.

His only coherent thought in that moment stood out to him with absolute certainty.

_Neil is proud of me. Neil forgives me._

Maybe Todd Anderson would find a way to move on after all.


End file.
